"Whew, child, not again," is what crosses my mind when I hear the words start again. It feels like I hit 40 and my internal GPS is stuck on, "Recalculating…"

It's been the loss of my career and the financial stability that came with it—my "soft girl era." The shifting of my lifestyle. And as losses do, they build and run much deeper: the loss of both of my parents, the loss of my marriage, chillllld……even the loss of the body I once knew after having two children. Don't get me started on my knees.

Somewhere along the way, I also had to confront the loss of pieces of the identity I had built for myself and who I thought I was supposed to be. Leaving behind some of who I thought I wanted to be to make room for the amazing woman I am becoming.

And with each of those perceived losses came the same reality: at some point, I had to start again.

This week, that reality hit me differently.

I am starting again after a prolonged absence from my business, my friendships, my campaign, and honestly, life as a whole. A family member suddenly became critically ill, and for weeks much of my time was spent beside a hospital bed praying for her survival, not knowing what was going to happen.

There is something incredibly difficult about quietly preparing yourself for the worst while simultaneously praying and believing God for the best. I know what it is to pray for healing and not receive the answer I desperately wanted, knowing full well that God had the power to perform it. God chose not to heal my mother or my father on this side of heaven. And yet, I still had to sit beside another hospital bed and believe that the same God is still in the healing business.

My faith was tested.

Not the faith that sounds good when everything works out, but the kind that has to say, "Lord, I know what happened last time, and I still trust You this time." Because whether He answers the way I want Him to or not, He is still God. He is still sovereign. His plans are still greater than anything I can see from where I am standing.

While all of that was happening, life did what life does. It kept going.

My son was preparing to transition from elementary to middle school—yes, year-round school—and all the emotions, attitudes, fears, and excitement that come with that. I was fighting with a healthcare system to make sure someone I love received the care she needed. There were responsibilities waiting for me, people I hadn't talked to, work that hadn't gotten done, and a life that wasn't going to politely wait until I felt ready to return.

And here it was again: I'm starting over.

Maybe starting over was your choice. Maybe the choice was made for you. Maybe you have been praying for a new beginning and can't wait to get there. Or maybe you are looking around thinking, Lord, how in the world did I end up back here AGAIN?

I know that feeling too. You really thought this time would be different. You thought you had grown past this place, learned the lesson, done the work, and finally gotten somewhere. So finding yourself having to begin again can feel a whole lot like failure.

But I'm learning not to confuse redirection with failure.

Sometimes what feels like everything falling apart is actually God shifting things into alignment. And no, that doesn't mean every painful thing that happens is something God did to us. It means I trust that none of it is beyond His ability to use.

The truth is, starting over doesn't really need our approval. Life is going to keep moving whether we are ready for the next chapter or not. What we do have some say in is how we show up for it.

So that's the question I've been asking myself lately: How am I going to show up for what God has placed in front of me now?

Not for the life I thought I would have or where I thought I would be by 40, and not carrying every disappointment from the chapter before this one. I'm talking about showing up for this life, this season, this assignment.

And as for me, I'm choosing to put that weight down. I'm choosing to give myself grace for the things that didn't go according to plan and to trust that starting again does not mean I'm starting from nothing. I am bringing every lesson, every scar, every answered prayer, and every prayer God answered differently than I wanted with me.

So if you are starting again too, I hope you give yourself permission to begin without having everything figured out. I'm certainly still figuring mine out.

But I know Who is ordering my steps.

And for this next chapter, that's enough for me to start.

— Elma-Lorraine